MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS
Author unknown
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL
2. DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.
3. Act like a convicted criminal! When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
4. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
5. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
6. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
7. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
11. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make THEM go and chase it once in a while.
12. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
13. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
14. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make
the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside,
fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this
will drive them nuts
10 REASONS WHY FEEDING DOGS IS MORE SATISFYING THAN FEEDING CHILDREN
Author unknown
Dogs don't ask "What is this?"
Dogs don't turn up their noses at tofu.
Dogs don't care what color dinner is.
Dogs only require one dish.
Dogs LOVE to help with dinner dishes.
Dogs don't want you to serve them, they would rather help themselves.
Dogs don't compare your cooking to their friend's mother's.
Dogs don't mind eating on the floor.
Heck, Dogs don't mind eating off the floor.
Dogs don't care if it is not cooked.
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's mine.
***
TOP TEN REASONS MY DOG WON'T USE A COMPUTER
(from the December 1998 issue of Dog Sports Magazine)
10. TOoop nii moo pa3wds........................... (too hard to type with paws)
9. "sit" and "stay" were hard enough............ "delete" and "save" are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disk refuse to work
7. Three words.......... Carpal Paw Syndrome
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he's browsing..... www.purina.com
5. Fire hydrant icon......simply frustrating
4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears...... you've got mail
3. Too messy to mark every web site he visits
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms
1. Can't stick his head out of ........ Windows 95
DOG RULES
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep
with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.
TOP 10 REASONS TO BREED DOGS
...10...I love hair in my coffee.
...09...Never did like having a full nights sleep
...08...Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
...07...Thought the furniture looked too nice
...06...Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening,
midnight, predawn, etc.
05...Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
...04...Neighbors didn't complain enough
...03...Kids weren't enough of a challenge
...02...If you can train & show one dog, why not ten
...01...Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows
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